


shoulda worn a clean shirt

by Bundibird



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: (actually no - not everyone. FRIDAY and the bots are not bi), (spoiler: he does say so himself), Bisexual Harley Keener, Bisexual Peter Parker, Bisexual Tony Stark, Father-Son Relationship, Irondad, M/M, and tony is the OG bisexual, but harley is and peter is, cause tony keeps saying he doesnt have kids, happy 20-bi-teen, here have a fic where everyone is bi, if he does say so himself, sorta - Freeform, tony is a fool
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-11
Updated: 2019-01-11
Packaged: 2019-10-08 06:30:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17381399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bundibird/pseuds/Bundibird
Summary: "What the shit," Harley says, and punches Tony in the arm. "You didn't tell me your other adopted waif washot!""Excuse you,what?"Tony demands, at the same time that Peter says, "Um," and blinks his (in Harley's opinion) unfairly attractive eyes."Hi, I'm Harley," Harley says, striding forwards and ignoring Tony's spluttering. "And you and I should totally go on a date.""What have Idone," Tony whispers.(Or: Peter is a disaster bi, and really so is Harley, but at least Harley has his shit together enough to ask Peter out on a date the second he meets him. Meanwhile, Tony is suddenly certain that by introducing these two, he's just triggered the apocalypse.)





	shoulda worn a clean shirt

**Author's Note:**

> I'm taking a step outta my comfort zone here, people - romance is not usually my area of expertise. I specialize in platonic found-family. But this fic smacked me in the face one day, and here we are.
> 
> So - from your local bi.... happy 20-bi-teen!

“So this new kid,” Harley says, pushing his safety goggles (Stark Industries design, because regular safety goggles are _shit_ and Tony wouldn’t have something so rubbish in his lab if you paid him) up through his ridiculous tumble of loose curls to rest on top of his head. Kid needs a haircut, badly. “Run me through who he is again?”

 

“You look like a mad scientist,” Tony says, gesturing to the goggles and the un-lit welding torch and the science-pun t-shirt that’s got a slight grease stain across the hip where Harley wiped his hand clean on it earlier.

 

He looks like a teenaged blond version _Tony,_ is who he looks like – with the rumpled hair and the grease-smeared clothes and the goggles sitting adorably buried in his hair – but Tony senses the thought coming and deliberately turns his brain away from it. The fond warmth in his chest at the idea of Harley being even a little bit like him is… skirting a little bit too close to thinking about _feelings –_ which, no. Feelings – all of the nope.

 

Harley grins, bright and a little bit wild, and it only serves to make him look _more_ like he should be a cartoon villain in an underground lair.

 

“We _are_ mad scientists,” he says cheerfully, and Tony pauses.

 

“Touché,” he says with a shrug, because – well. The kid ain’t wrong. “And ‘this new kid’ is my intern,” he answers, handing Harley the next square of metal he needs. “And he’s not new. I’ve had him for like 6 months now, you just haven’t bothered to come see me in ages.”

 

“I was here last summer, and also, we _literally_ just moved here, so we were _kind of_ busy with the moving prep, and all, between then and now.”

 

“Yeah, well, a lot can happen in a year,” Tony says, as the kid disentangles the goggles from his curls and settles them back over his eyes, putting the new piece of metal into place and firing up the welding torch.

 

“Yeah, tell me about it,” he grouses. “The Accords get signed off on; the Winter Soldier gets framed; that new Spidey-guy joins the roster; Team Cap break an airport, break the Avengers, _and_ break out of jail; you adopt another kid; Rhodey gets new legs; you got _engaged_ … I left you alone for _ten months_ , Tony, and all this happened. It hasn’t even _been_ a full year.” 

 

Tony had winced at – well, _several_ things in that little monologue, but the Rhodey-related wince was the worst. The guy is back on his feet and loving the new braces, but the fact that they’re necessary at all still makes something big twitch in agony in Tony’s chest. Rhodey is adamant that it’s not Tony’s fault – but Tony can’t help the guilt he feels.

 

He – he needs to pull his thoughts away from this topic, right now, is what he needs to do.

 

“Who said anything about adopting?” he settles on saying, instead of addressing… literally everything else Harley just said. “I haven’t adopted anyone, yet alone ‘another’ kid; I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

 

Harley stops welding so that he can properly level an unimpressed look at Tony through the safety goggles. It’s weirdly intimidating.

 

“Uh huh,” the kid says, everything in his voice saying _I’m calling bullshit,_ which, rude.

 

“A) you have a parent already,” Tony points out. “B) I don’t even want kids. Conclusion: no one’s been adopted and no one’s _getting_ adopted. I am a childless man.”

 

Harley looks at FRIDAY’s closest camera and rolls his eyes at her, as though they’re commiserating.

 

“Sure,” the kid says dismissively, and goes back to his welding, and he’s clearly humouring Tony, which is just insulting.

 

Tony decides to just ignore the whole exchange.

 

“Anyway, Peter,” he says, getting the conversation back on track. “Clever kid, you’ll like him. He’s cluey. Specialises more in bio-chem than engineering, but he’s hardly a slouch in that department either, so you’ll have plenty to talk about. Oh god, please don’t team up. I’ve just had a terrifying thought. You’re not allowed to team up and create a --- I don’t know, bio-mechanical pet dog, or whatever, that’ll wreak merry havoc in my Tower and pee motoroil on all my furniture.”

 

“You know we gotta do that now, right?” Harley says, grinning, and Tony points a stern finger at him.

 

“No,” he says. “Absolutely not.”

 

“Hey FRI, open up a folder titled _The Starklings Bio-Mechanical Mayhem Maker,_ ” Harley says, because he’s a devious little chaos-creating shit.

 

“Folder created,” FRIDAY says cheerily.

 

“FRI, delete that folder immediately,” Tony says. “I don’t have Starklings, and no one is making a bio-mech menace.”

 

“Boss, you know that even if I delete something, there’s always echoes of it that can be salvaged and restored,” she says, sounding fake-apologetic. “Nothing is ever truly erased these days.”

 

“Have you deleted it yet?” Tony demands.

 

“My understanding is that pets are good for young humans,” she says, and judging by the way Harley starts laughing, Tony can guess that the kid knows just as well as Tony does that she means _no I haven’t and I’m not gonna_.

 

“I’m being betrayed by my own _children,”_ Tony moans, and Harley keeps right on laughing as he goes back to his welding.

 

………………………………………………

 

It’s about half an hour later that Peter arrives.

 

“Boss, Mr Parker is here,” FRIDAY chirps as the elevator dings and Peter steps out.

 

“Hey Mister Stark, sorry I’m late – I –” and then he falters as he catches sight of Harley, who straightens up from his welding to look over at the newcomer, then does a double take and pushes his goggles up off his face and into his hair, eyes wide.

 

“What the shit,” he says, and then punches Tony in the arm, ignoring the resultant yelp. “You didn’t tell me that your other adopted waif was _hot!”_

 

“Not adopted,” Tony says, on autopilot, rubbing at his newly-bruised arm in offence. And then, “And excuse you, _what?”_

 

“Um,” Peter says, and blinks his wide eyes.

 

 _“Oh_ my -” Harley says, blinking rapidly and putting his welding torch down. “Tony, I take it back, you’re right – you haven’t adopted me,” he says without looking away from the other teen. “Or – you haven’t adopted him. One of us – you’ve only adopted one of us, cause if you’ve adopted both of us then that means we’re brothers and that means I can’t date him. Legal and ethical minefield, and all that.”

 

“Um,” Peter says again, looking like he has no idea what’s going on. Fair – Tony also has no idea what’s going on. “I – already have a legal guardian?”

 

“So do I, but I can have another one – so Tony can adopt just me and you can be the son in law,” Harley says, flapping a dismissive hand – and, _son in law?_

 

“This is escalating extremely quickly and I am not comfortable with it at _all,”_ Tony says.

 

“Unless you’re straight – or unless I’m not your type, in which case, absolutely no pressure,” Harley says to Peter, as though Tony hasn’t even spoken. “Say no and we’ll go back to being brothers, I will be 98% cool with it. Two percent disappointed, but I can ignore that easily, it won’t affect our new familial relationship.”

 

“I haven’t adopted _either_ of you,” Tony says, exasperated. “No one will be brothers.”

 

“Shut up, family is what you make it, if we decide that we’re your kids you don’t get a say in the matter,” Harley says, flapping a hand at Tony without even looking at him.

 

“That doesn’t sound correct at _all,”_ Tony says.

 

“But I’d rather be boyfriends,” Harley continues, attention back on Peter, and Tony throws his hands up in dramatic defeat.

 

“Hi, by the way,” Harley tacks on abruptly, apparently remembering a smidge of manners. “I’m Harley. And in case I haven’t been clear – you and I should totally go on a date.”

 

“Does Peter even get a say in this?” Tony asks, eyebrow raised, as Peter stands there like a fish with his mouth open in surprise.

 

“He _would_ if you would stop _interrupting_ our conversa– oh no. I’ve just realised what I look like.”

 

The kid reaches up and yanks at the safety goggles off his head and tosses them in the vague direction of the bench. He misses, and his hair is even more messy and tousled now than it was before, but he doesn’t appear to notice that as he smooths his t-shirt down and then gasps in horror and yanks at the fabric so that he can eye the grease stain in despair.

 

“Man, Tony, you couldn’t have _warned me_ that I was gonna wanna ask him out? I would have made myself presentable! I have _grease_ on this shirt! No, actually, nevermind – if you don’t love me at my worst then you don’t deserve me at my best, and all. Still – first impressions _count,_ Tony, and I have grease on my shirt and haven’t brushed my hair in three days.”

 

“You are so like me it’s scary,” Tony says. “Also, I didn’t know you were gonna want to ask him out. Why would I _possibly_ have known that.”

 

“Well I think you make a pretty cute first impression,” Peter says, shy but resolved, and Tony does a double take and Harley visibly brightens.

 

“What is _happening,”_ Tony moans, as Harley grins a mega-watt grin and Peter’s lips quirk upwards in response, and neither of them is looking away from the other.

 

“So is that a yes to the date?” Harley asks, eager.

 

The blush is high and bright on Peter’s cheeks and he’s trying to supress a smile, but his voice is firm as he says, faux casual, “Sure.”

 

 _“Yes,”_ Harley crows, and does a fistpump and everything, and Peter’s attempts at keeping his smile restrained fail as the kid glances down at the ground and grins a part-pleased-part-embarrassed grin. When he looks back up, he’s biting his lip in an attempt to corral his smile, but his eyes are bright and delighted.

 

“What just happened here?” Tony asks, feeling winded by the whirlwind event he’s just borne witness to.

 

“I asked your intern out on a date and he said yes,” Harley says, bouncing happily on the balls of his feet, and Tony reckons that the grin on the kid’s face is going to take days to fade, it’s that huge.

 

“I didn’t even know you were into guys,” Tony says, and then gestures between both of them. “Either of you. Weren’t you all hung up on that girl a few months ago, Pete? Liz?”

 

“Yeah, um, that one – didn’t work out,” Peter says, rubbing his neck awkwardly, and yeah, Tony _knows_ it didn’t work out, what with her father being a big time criminal and her mom moving her out of the state, but the point here is that Tony didn’t know the kid was into dudes.

 

“It’s not the 90s anymore – people can be bi these days,” Harley informs him, haughty.

 

“Excuse you, upstart – you’re talking to the Original Bisexual,” Tony fires back with an offended expression. “I’ve been bi since the 70s.”

 

“Pretty sure bi’s existed before the 70s, so you can’t be the OG bi,” Harley says, the smartmouth, and Tony pulls a face at him like the mature adult he isn’t.

 

“Is everyone in this room bi?” Peter asks, and the other two blink.

 

“Huh,” Harley says, and then grins. “Apparently so.”

 

“False,” FRIDAY interjects. “DUM-E, U and I are all in the room, and we do not have sexual or romantic orientations at all.”

 

“Thank goodness,” Tony mutters. “I can’t have _five_ kids out there on the dating scene.”

 

Harley throws a triumphant look at him, and Tony realises what he just said and scowls.

 

“Not that I have kids,” he says, and Harley nods mock-sagely.

 

“None at all,” he says, and Tony narrows his eyes at the mocking tone.

 

“So you and the bots are all aro-ace then?” Peter asks FRIDAY, looking at one of her cameras and completely missing the back-and-forth between Tony and Harley.

 

“That would be an appropriate term, yes.”

 

“Cool,” Tony says, clapping his hands. “So now that we’re all out of our respective closets, can we get back to science now?” Because he’s had quite enough of being witness to this fledgling teenaged romance for one day, thank you very much. 

 

“Sure thing,” Harley says innocently. _Too_ innocently. Tony’s barely had time to squint his eyes in suspicion before Harley is continuing with, “Hey Pete, how do you feel about dogs?”

 

Pete takes the random subject change like a pro, and doesn’t even blink.

 

“We’re not allowed them in the apartment,” he says, sounding sad about it, and Tony knows where this is going before it even goes there. “But I’ve always wanted a dog.”

 

“ _No!”_ Tony says, but by the grin on Harley’s face, he knows he’s too late.

 

Oh geez, what has he done.

 

………………………………………………………………………………

**Author's Note:**

> This maaaaaaaaaaaaay get continued. Possibly. I have a couple of fledgling scenes darting through my brain, so we'll see if they grow wings and make it into a full sequel. No promises though. Also, for anyone curious, I'm actually a bi-romantic ace, so throwing in FRIDAY and the bots' orientations was a bit of a shout out to my fellow aces and also my siblings the aros. Because every person has an orientation of some kind and FRIDAY and the bots are people; ergo, they joined in on the impromptu Declare Your Orientation party.
> 
> Also, shoutout to the Harley Keener Appreciation Server on Discord, who are a fabulous bunch of individuals. 
> 
> Drop me a comment and let me know what you thought! And finally; I'm on Tumblr, if you wanna come visit. I can't remember how to put a link here because it has been a long day and I am Tired, so just search for Bundibird and you'll find me. :)


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